Let us pretend that one day you are browsing facebook and your friend, Maria Callas (hey, it’s fantasy, go with it) has posted this on her Facebook wall:
Now, you’ve got some thoughts about it. Perhaps you actually don’t like Maria’s take on Bel Canto, or you don’t like what she did with Norma and how heavily the scores were edited when she performed them.
You’re trying to think of a way to respond to your friend Maria, when suddenly another one of your friends jumps into the fray:
You give a heavy sigh and close your eyes. Now she’s done it, you think.
There are two ways this can go. The first way is that Maria will counter Cecilia’s argument, and the thread will become a duel of the minds- each side putting forth a thesis and trying to see if there is a fault with the other one’s thesis. Tempers might flare, hot arguments will be exchanged. Ultimately it will end with either Maria or Cecilia acknowledging that one of the other’s arguments was right, or they will end at an impasse, neither conceding that the other argument was stronger than theirs, but now knowing to a greater extent the fullness of the other’s stance.
The second way is more spectacular: Maria or Cecilia will explode, ‘de-friend’ the other, and even try to ostracize or even sabotage the other’s career, work opportunities, etcetera. If this way had an illustration, it would be this:
I like to call the first outcome the Duel Of Minds, and the second one I’ll simply call The Great Big Catfight. What differentiates a Duel from a Catfight? In my mind, the following:
1.- In a Duel, you know you are expressing an opinion out into the great big Ether of the internet, where it may float and land upon ears that do not agree with you. You know your opinion is going to be challenged, and you are prepared to defend your opinion with arguments geared to support your stance. In this kind of discussion, you aim to dismantle the other person’s argument.
2.- In a Catfight, you express your opinion and you expect it to be treated as a holy object: none may touch it, none may dissent, and the expression of a contrary view is a Holy Cats moment in which you let all hell loose. In this kind of discussion, you ignore the argument presented by the other person, and you are trying to dismantle the other person proper.
Now here is where we enter the realm of adulthood. You may be aware that there is an unspoken rule among people nowadays, and that rule is “be nice.” Politeness, we are told, is the ultimate expression of civilization. This is not entirely true, politeness is a consideration that we extend towards others, but of what does this consideration consist?
Is it possible, for example, to be considerate towards someone by being false to them? Is lack of honesty ever a value upon which one builds a relationship? After all, if politeness is supposed to be a consideration that one extends in a social context, then it means that we’re employing it in order to facilitate our relationship with other people. But nowadays the core of the concept of politeness has been melded with that of avoidance: certain topics are taboo or must never be discussed, one may not speak of things in depth out of fear of offending or upsetting someone.
This is where I take a very brief tangent and I talk of Aristotle’s conception of friendship. For Aristotle, friendship is an activity that requires mutual reciprocity on one level or another. Aristotle stratified friendship into friendships of utility, pleasure, and (the highest to him) virtue. The highest level of friendship is one in which both participants enjoy and love the character of the other. In the friendship of utility, reciprocity comes out of what each can do for the other; Frienships of pleasure rest solely on reciprocity of enjoyment, but it is the virtuous friendship that goes to the core of the individual. What is the core of a person’s character? Their values, their standards, their beliefs and their actions.
Can we have, then, the possibility of true friendship by practicing the Politeness of Avoidance? I don’t think so. I don’t think it is possible for someone to know your true character if you spend the majority of your time being someone other than yourself. After all, it was Aristotle himself who said that “he who is a friend to all is a friend to none.” Trying to be all things to all people ensures that, ultimately, you shall be nothing to no-one.
The revealing of character should happen in a contextually-appropriate environment, of course. You are not going to go on political rallies at work (unless your job is to be a campaign manager), and you shouldn’t be proselytizing to your coworkers, either. The context of the workplace is different from a personal interaction context. While you may not want to engage in soul-searching exchanges between your coworkers (after all, you haven’t chosen most of their associations, it is a necessity of your work environment), it might be productive to do so in your interpersonal time.
Our society as a whole values friendship only on a shallow level. The idea most of us have of friendship doesn’t advance further than Aristotle’s idea of Friendship of Pleasure: People who drink together, enjoy each other’s company and pursue common hobbies and interest. What I like to call buddies, acquaintances, but not friends. It is easy to cultivate buddies without knowing the character of the person involved, but the deeper friendship, the friendship that becomes something akin to ‘the marriage of true minds’, the highest stage of Aristotelian friendship, can’t thrive without that very crucial requisite. In order for there to be a relationship of equals and an appreciation of the other, one must first know who the other is.
And this is where the Duel of the Minds comes into play. We all have values, we all hold things to be either true or false for a reason (and some, without it.) While the Politeness of Avoidance is comfortable (and contextually appropriate in, say, work environments), it is not beneficial in the private aspect. A so-called friendship built on avoidance is a relationship built on things you are not. This type of relationship is superfluous and never beneficial. The only way by which you may know the character of a person, and whether or not they are admirable or deplorable is through finding out what their values, their principles and their standards are. This is done by asking, by talking, by discussing, and even arguing on a subject. This is where your values will clash, and you will have to consider the following through a process of introspection:
1.- What is my hierarchy of values? Which values do I hold as essential, and which do I hold as non-essential?
2.- What are his/her values? Which of those do they uphold as essential?
3.- Do their essential values clash with my essential values? Is there any overlap? How important is that to me? (which would bring the question: if it isn’t that important, then are these really my essential values?)
This is the process of getting to know a person. Whether it is done through simple talk on deeper subjects or through the Duel of Minds, there is always the risk that the person whom you liked so much at a superficial level might turn out to be someone you don’t end up liking or agreeing with. However unpleasant this outcome might seem, there is also the other outcome: You might find out that the person whom you liked so much at a superficial level is, in fact, someone who you like even more at the deeper level, someone who reaffirms your sense of life and gives you solace because you have found someone else who shares your core values.
A person who would prefer no unpleasantness might look at the equation and still see that the potential of unpleasantness means that it is not worth pursuing. But that is a fallacy that can be dismissed when you realize that nothing changes with that: that person will still have the same character. You just won’t know about it. Sooner or later, however, their character will be revealed, and you will find out that all you have been doing is postponing the discovery of a fact.
You might say that the only way to make true friends, then, is by being ready to venture into unpleasant territory.
Let’s return to our dueling divas from the beginning. Maria and Cecilia are at odds now, each has an opposite stance about their artistic principles. But it could easily be a contrast of religious positions, political stances and similar. What’s going to happen in this encounter? Well, that’s entirely up to our divas. If both Maria and Cecilia hold their artistic values as essential values, they might have tension between them depending on how high up in their hierarchy this value is. Maria might also find out that Cecilia is a staunch defender of individual liberties, for example, and for Maria that value is far more important than aesthetic distinctions (she might hold that individual liberty is what makes all other values possible)- and to her that is a value that is so important that it allows her to consider their artistic differences as less relevant. She might find in Cecilia a true friend, despite the differences.
Or, for example, Maria might find out that Cecilia is a staunch supporter of a dictator, at which point the possibility of friendship is out of the question.
It is possible for Maria and Cecilia to be acquaintances without being friends. It is possible for them to enjoy each other’s company in certain contexts, but they both have benefited from the knowledge of what each other’s values are- they know exactly what the boundaries of their relationships are. And sometimes, it might just be best to treat the person as a distant acquaintance and not deal with them at all if their values are antithetical to our own in a truly astonishing manner (for example, discovering that someone is a white supremacist.)
It is alright to be intense during a Duel of Minds, when values clash– our society encourages the avoidance of offending anyone, for anything, but the reality is that we can’t compromise on truly essential values, and we can’t mask what the nature of our character is. If we wish to make friends, we also need to be prepared to learn to regard people whom we might have once considered potential friends as nothing more than acquaintances (or out of our lives), or even come to regard a previously distant acquaintance as a good friend.
That being said, just like Maria in our example, you shouldn’t cast your opinions into the public and then expect no contest or discussion. By all means, be eager to step into the debate and match arguments- it’s the only way to know where anyone stands.












